Wednesday, March 19, 2003

 
TOUGH CROWD.
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I just got back from Florida, where I stealthily went for a huge surprise party for my mother Tuesday night. My brother Greg, his fiance Rachel, and I rented a ballroom, and had a big catered party with most all her friends. She was completely surprised, and even more surprised that I had come down from New York for the party. She screamed "Oh my god, Oh, my god" with frightening resonance and tenacity, almost exactly the way I'd scream it, if I glanced over and noticed that my hand got cut off.

Two of her friends, Phyllis and Carol Z. said they wanted to have a roast for her, but they actually did a kind of sweet, fun song that wasn't very harsh, and nobody else did any roasting. Still, as hard is it is to roast your own mother, when I heard there was going to be a roast, I knew I'd have to say something, though I hadn't really worked it out yet. So after that song, there were touching speeches by Rachel (who presented a fake dictionary page which had a picture of my mom, when you look up "mom" in the dictionary, with the words "World's Greatest Mom" under the picture, my Mom, and my Dad (who was not let in on the surprise, and was completely surprised by the party). After all that, I knew It was my turn, and it was now or never. This is what I said, to the best of my recollection:

"You know, I heard that there was going to be a roast here tonight, but I actually found Phyllis and Carol's song very touching and not at all mean-spirited. [At this point Phyllis interrupts and starts talking about whatever] Okay, you had your turn [I said, cutting her off]. Anyway, I don't know if you saw, but right after that song, I snuck out with [Carol Z.'s husband, Florida State Judge] Howie and got high, and it gave me the chance to introspect, and I realized that a lot of the things I had planned to say for the roast were really very inappropriate. Though, speaking of inappropriate, I can't believe my dad is wearing jeans tonight. Dad, you're really underdressed! Actually, it's really funny that that happened, since he didn't know about the surprise, because growing up with him, his biggest fear in life is always that he's going to be underdressed. I just realized, just now, that I think the reason I always dress so conservatively-- I always wear a button down shirt and slacks-- is because of growing up with him and his constant fear of being underdressed for things. So, my mom didn't read it out loud, but that dictionary page that Rachel gave her, under her picture, it says 'World's Greatest Mom.' And Greg and Rachel asked me if I wanted to go in on it with them, and make it be from all three of us. And I said no. Because I love my mom, and I think she's a great mom, but just, intellectually, is she really the world's greatest mom? I mean, there are, like, two and a half billion mothers in the world. So, what are the chances that she's really the world's greatest? Don't get me wrong. I mean, she's a great mom. Easily, easily the best mother in this room. But, anyway, it really is very special to me to be down here to share this day with you all. I love you mom, and have a very happy, happy birthday."

So, everybody came up to me to tell me how funny I was, but I really thought they all made too much of it.

This is The Official Record. 11:46 PM
link to this item: http://www.creamy.com/blog/2003/03/tough-crowd.html


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