After reading "The Sean Correspondence" I was devastated by the fact that my family and I have for countless generations oppressed and avoided the minorities of the world. This oppressed and generally trivialized group contains, but is not limited to: Serbian Lesbians, Bicephalitics (two-headed people), the Enuits,Afro-Americans, Flipper people (thalidamide-Americans), Latin- Americans,Italians, Bushpeople, Mongolian plains- people, Bulbous-Eyed people, and the ever-overlooked Bohemians. I realize now that even my college education was obtained at the expense of some minorities. How insensitive of me was it to work my way through college during the graveyard shift (as a janitor, shelf stocker, or hotel clerk), thereby depriving an upstanding minority citizen of gainful employment. Together, my wife and I constructed an ingenious plan to rectify any past injustices my family or I may have inflicted upon someone outside of my race. We like to call it the "Minority Integration and Remuneration Package".
The first part of our multi-pronged program is to donate my family's vast wealth to hypo- sunreflective persons. This is accomplished, one quarter at a time, as I surreptitiously drop quarters into shopping bags or purses of unsuspecting recipients. To date, I have managed to distribute $38 dollars, about 1/10 of my vast family fortune which was illicitly gained off the sweat, blood, and tears of countless minority peasants and handed down from generation to generation in the family. Surprisingly, I have only been arrested twice and beaten to within inches of my life on six occasions after reaching into purses and shopping bags. Thus, having given away a rather sizable portion of my family's wealth, I feel that any economic injustices my family may have committed have been atoned for. However, the quests continues non-the-less!
For the first step of our Intergration Package, I stole some of the sperm samples my grandfather had frozen prior to radiation experiments performed for the US Government (you don't want to know!) Each night we prowl the local bars looking for fertile young women of minority races and slip them a "micky" containing grandpa's sperm. In this manner I had hoped to get minority blood into my family tree at an early stage. I am sad to report that no pregnancies have resulted and our family tree remains minority deficient. However, several dates were obtained upon detection.
Having failed with grandpa's mickies, we were forced to initiate plans to integrate our family at the present generation. This effort consisted of my wife standing alone on street corners during the middle of the night clad in skimpy clothing. The intercourse was often preceded by the Souther Male Fertility Ritual, which usually involves the brandishing of guns or knives, and love-phrases such as "The bitch is wantin' it." My wife had decided that the Southern Male Fertility Ritual sounds a lot like what us Midwesterners call rape, and having slept through much of my Civics classes, I had no basis with which to argue against her point. Therefore, this phase of our "Minority Integration and Remuneration Package" has been canceled after only 26 attempts. With no resulting pregnancies, and the known high pregnancy rate among some minorities, I suspect that my wife may be infertile.
As the last bastion of hope in our quest to integrate minorities into my family, I headed for the malls in search of minority women. I was surprised to find that fine upstanding "Honkies" such as myself do not much appeal to women of other races, despite what Oprah, Phil, and others might suggest. The most common response, "What I want with a skinny, small-dick, no-ass white boy?" A bit taken back, I asked my Asian friend what he thought I should do, and he quickly consulted his sister, who responded, "What I want with a fat-assed, small-dicked, big-brained white boy"? So, completely dejected, I had to admit defeat once again.
So Mr. Danzig, having only achieved a partial success with my Minority Integration and Remuneration Package, I write you in search of sage advice. Having achieved some degree of success yourself in this area, perhaps you might recommend other approaches to help relieve me of the never-ending torment and guilt that weighs heavily upon the souls among my ancestral tree.
The Tormented WASP
My husband, Mr. Danzig, is unable to respond to your mail at this time because he is currently attending a seven month long remedial sensitivity training retreat. To avoid delay, I will be responding on his behalf.
While your commitment to racial justice is admirable, I am quite distressed that you have decided to enforce it at the expense of gender equality.
I am particularly concerned by your characterization of the "Southern Male Fertility Ritual" as rape. I do not mean to suggest that such activity does not constitute rape-- certainly, it does. However, by labeling particular incidents as rape, you are falsely suggesting that heterosexual sex in our society can ever be consensual. In fact, the power differential that exists between men and womyn in our society renders any supposed consent by a womyn meaningless.
Your sexism is only slightly mitigated by your progressive efforts to eliminate men completely from the reproductive act in the case of your grandfather. Accordingly, there is yet some hope for your endeavor. There are many womyn of my acquaintance who would never consider being sexually assaulted by you, but would nontheless like to reproduce. If you will please send a sample of your sperm and sign a simple waiver, you can empower a lesbian mother who will both nurture her new child and shield her from the indoctrinating influences of our heterosexist society. David and I are currently expecting our second "baster baby" next autumn, and we find this method of reproduction quite rewarding.
By the way, I have, for reasons I have already expressed, found your letter quite offensive. I consider your act of mailing it to my husband in such a way that it might ever possibly reach me to be an instance of sexual harassment and/or rape. I have already reported the matter to your local police department, who assure me that they will be dealing with the matter promptly and harshly.
Ms. Mbutu T'ang-Ganzalez
Where's the body! Certainly a womyn would never dare to take her husbands' place as you have done unless you have killed him and stuffed his body where no one will ever find it. I have called the Durham PD, so watch yourself.
I must congratulate you however on your choice of the word womyn instead of women. The latter of course was derived from the phrase "Woe to men", and was subsequently shortened . Womyn, derived from the phrase, "WO, you're MINE, do what the hell I say or else", more concisely expresses the subservient position of your gender in our society and should therefore be used for all correspondence and conversations.
I must also congratulate you on not calling me arrogant and egotistic, as so many feminists do these days. Certainly, a gender as intelligent, omnipotent and perfect as males could never possess any of those inferior qualities.
Alas, I am sorry to say that no sperm donation can be sent at this time, but I am flattered by your admiration of my genome. While I do admire the "baster baby" technique and its many published successes, I fear that this technique will be made obsolete by my recently patented "Womb in a bottle" method, which the feminist organization "NOW" has called a nefarious plot to remove womyn from the face of the earth. Nothing could be further from the truth. Let me explain.
Developed by myself and a other conspirators in the wee hours of the night in the Duke Univ. Biochemistry Department, the "Womb in a Bottle" works amazingly like normal intercourse. The man, whenever he wants it, simply puts his sperm into the submissive "Womb in a Bottle". And like a normal pregnancy, the man simply does nothing for nine months, shows up at the delivery (bottle opening), and then leaves the child rearing to the womyn, who, for the past nine months, has fulfilled her duties to husband and home as efficiently as always, having been freed from the burden and excuses that accompany pregnancy. Thus, it should be obvious to you that I created the "Womb in a Bottle" to save womyn time and pain, thereby making them more productive for society at large.
Now that you have realized the unimaginable good that the "Womb in a Bottle" will do for mankind, please consider having a hysterectomy and donating your womb to this project. This would free up much time that my dedicated staff presently spends snatching, um harvesting, wombs. For alternative options call my hotline at 1-800-CAN-O-KID. If we find that your womb meets our high standards, donation is simple. No forms to fill out, no legal mumbo-jumbo. Simply give us your address and we will do the rest.